I will need to back up and give a brief introduction. When Robby and I got Married, we had a plan. Our plan was to have 4 kids. We thought it would be GREAT if we could have 2 girls and 2 boys.
After Baby #3 we planned on one more, and hoped it would be a girl. That would be a perfect ending. I got pregnant with baby #4 and low and behold, it was a girl! just like we had hoped! We were done. Robby wanted to go get a vasectomy right away. I said ok, even though in the back of my mind, I was feeling sad about actually being done, and wasn't sure if we should or if I wanted to be done. "BUT
Of course, we are done", I would tell myself. I would tell my self the following: We would be absolutely CRAZY to have more then 4! This day and age, NO ONE has more than 4! Plus it would mess up the perfect number of 2 boys and 2 girls. Oh and don't forget Kids are hard! oh and if we have more kids, it means: less sleep, less money to do fun things or go on more vacations, less money for them to be able to dance or play sports. Oh and Kaycee Don't forget we live in a tiny house. It's only 1300 sqr ft. Kaycee you are thinking crazy! think about all you could do, if you didn't have more kids, think about what you will be giving up if you had more. Kaycee you aren't a good mom, you don't know how to be a good parent. you are too impatient, your not a good house wife, your not creative and not a Susie homemaker. Robby works two jobs. you want more sleep. AND the list goes on! I basically talked my self out of the feeling of wanting more. PLUS there was no way in heck Robby would even want to ponder the idea of anymore kids.
Months went by and the feeling kept coming back to me. I told Robby to hold off on a vasectomy. I said I didn't feel right about him getting it. He agreed, but also thought I was nuts!
Eliza was born and I had Post pardum depression, and part of the depression was knowing we were done, and I didn't want to be. But I thought it was my PP depression and that feeling would go away with the depression within a couple months.
My depression ended, but my feelings of another baby got stronger. My doctor wanted me to be on a birth control of some sort. I didn't know which one to choose. I've never been on any birth control and I didn't know which one would be best. I prayed about it, and felt I shouldn't be on any.
I had talked to a few family members about the idea of having another baby. Basically they all thought it was a crazy idea, and they all told me not to. In a nut shell told me that we live in a small house, that kids were too hard, and I couldn't handle it, and we didn't make enough money. So again like numerous times before, I talked myself out of my feelings of another baby.
Feelings hit me again, that we are not done.
I was so torn and frustrated not knowing what I needed to do. I asked Robby to fast and pray with me. He was no way going to do that. He was done and there was NO changing his mind!
I prayed on my own and in my prayers I prayed that Robby would pray too.
after months of my doing my own searching, pondering and praying, Robby decided to pray and fast about it. We both felt like we needed to have another baby.
I still did not get happy or encouraging feed back from family. actually it was negative. It was hard for me to feel happy about my answer with no support from loved ones.
When we had Eliza, we had lots and lots of negativity about bringing an other child into this "over populated, horrible world" we were burdening society, we were bring children into the last days of destruction, famine and unkown. so I knew we would hear the same things, if not more. Those things made me question if I was doing the right thing.
I started to pray even more and searching in the ensign for talks. and again I felt peace with our decision.
quotes from the Ensign talks that helped me feel at peace and gave me the answers I was looking for. This is from Neil L. Anderson
Last April, President Thomas S. Monson declared:
“Where once the standards of the Church and the standards of society were mostly compatible, now there is a wide chasm between us, and it’s growing ever wider. …
“The Savior of mankind described Himself as being in the world but not of the world. We also can be in the world but not of the world as we reject false concepts and false teachings and remain true to that which God has commanded.”6
Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family. My daughters recently referred me to a blog written by a Christian mother (not of our faith) with five children. She commented: “[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get.” She then adds: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”7
Having young children is not easy. Many days are just difficult. A young mother got on a bus with seven children. The bus driver asked, “Are these all yours, lady? Or is it a picnic?”
“They’re all mine,” she replied. “And it’s no picnic!”8
As the world increasingly asks, “Are these all yours?” we thank you for creating within the Church a sanctuary for families, where we honor and help mothers with children.
To a righteous father, there are no words sufficient to express the gratitude and love he feels for his wife’s incalculable gift of bearing and caring for their children.
Across the world, this is a time of economic instability and financial uncertainty. In April general conference, President Thomas S. Monson said: “If you are concerned about providing financially for a wife and family, may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions.”10
Elder Kimball’s piercing question, “Where is your faith?” turns us to the holy scriptures.
In “the best of times [and] … the worst of times,”15 the true Saints of God, acting in faith, have never forgotten, dismissed, or neglected “God’s commandment … to multiply and replenish the earth.”16 We go forward in faith—realizing the decision of how many children to have and when to have them is between a husband and wife and the Lord. We should not judge one another on this matter.
(I liked this, and felt it was important)
Brothers and sisters, we should not be judgmental with one another in this sacred and private responsibility.
“And [Jesus] took a child … in his arms [and] said …
“Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth … him that sent me.”19
What a wonderful blessing we have to receive sons and daughters of God into our home.
Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit.
Families are central to God’s eternal plan. I testify of the great blessing of children and of the happiness they will bring us in this life and in the eternities, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
A talk given by Dallin H Oaks
The plan of Happiness
that we shoulThe Savior taught d not lay up treasures on earth but should lay up treasures in heaven (see Matt. 6:19–21). In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.
President Kimball said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (Ensign, May 1979, p. 6). When married couples postpone childbearing until after they have satisfied their material goals, the mere passage of time assures that they seriously reduce their potential to participate in furthering our Heavenly Father’s plan for all of his spirit children. faithful Latter-dayF Saints cannot afford to look upon children as an interference with what the world calls “self-fulfillment.” Our covenants with God and the ultimate purpose of life are tied up in those little ones who reach for our time, our love, and our sacrifices.
How many children should a couple have? All they can care for! Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life. Children must be loved, nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capacities to be good parents themselves. Exercising faith in God’s promises to bless them when they are keeping his commandments.
I was laying in bed a few nights ago, and I was worrying again. I prayed asking "are you sure we can handle and afford more children? what if times get tough"?
Then Robby and I had our nightly scripture study and Robby read this scripture to me. literally
10 min after my prayer, and he didn't know I had prayed about my concerns
1st Nephi chapter 3:7
And it came to pass that I Nephi said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord has commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
Today I was told that a close family member didn't think I was cut out to have more kids, and hoped I was making the right decision. I was feeling crummy and wondering if I am cut out as a mom, and maybe this person was right, maybe I shouldn't have more kids, because I am not great at it.
Again I prayed and I asked am I cut out for more kids? 3o minutes after my prayer I got on FB and my grandma posted a video clip From Elder Holland and this is what it was.(posted link below. highlighted in blue) I believe it was another answer to my many prayers. I am sure Heavenly father is getting tired of reassuring me. please watch the video, it's great!
I think Satan is using family, friends and the world to discourage me, and make me feel like I am wrong, and not fit, or capable. I need to hold to my many feelings, and answers and do what I know we should and go in faith.
I am not pregnant. But I wanted to share our story. So that when we do decided to have another, I can hopefully have support instead of Negativity
Thanks for reading I know it is long.
4 comments:
Trust your feelings, Kaycee. I know it's hard, but if you have your answer, and especially if your husband is getting the same answer, it will all work out. Even if there doesn't seem to be enough money or space or that you can handle it.
I CANNOT imagine my life without my fifth precious gift, even though it did not make any sense. We did not have enough money, barely enough space, I had depression issues, felt like a terrible mother half the time, and yes, we had the "perfect" 2 boys and 2 girls. Granted, my gift had to come as a surprise because I was too scared for all the reasons above. Fortunately, Heavenly Father knew that I could handle one more, even if I didn't know it myself.
I wish we could have another one, even. I'm sad that my body is not up to it.
Just try to keep close to the Spirit in your decisions. For awhile (before Kyle) my longing for a baby was so strong that I ignored the promptings telling me to wait, that I needed more time. Fortunately, my husband was listening to them. It's always possible that a bigger space between your babies will leave you with more strength and energy to cope with the demands of motherhood. I know that it was a lifesaver to have that four year break between Brie & Kyle. But follow the Spirit-- he will help you make the right decision for YOUR family.
My goodness, I've written a novel here! But what you've written about touched my heart (so much of it I can relate to so well).
My cousin told me, "When you are done, you will know that you are done." So it sounds like you know you are not done. Listen to those promptings. Heavenly Father knows what's best. And, I think you are a great mom. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing an awesome job with your kiddos!
I was glad to read your post. It shows the great length you went through to get your answer and to be assured that your feelings are right. I know I won't question your decission any more, and hope that no one else does either. I don't know who said you weren't "cut out" to be a mom, but I had my doubts about you having another baby because of finances, etc. I think you are a great mom. We look forward to hearing the news about another baby on the way!!
I love you.
Funny, but I thought of Heidi half the time I was reading your blog. I also relate, Cindy was a surprise, too, and came 4 years after Kelly, but she has given me more joy in my life than I have room to relate. She's been that "one in a million" child, who senses your needs and knows you SO well that she often senses it before I do, seriously! I can offer a grandmother's perspective on it too (and great grandmother's). When those children are out of your home, they are still your life. None of us knows what the future brings, and mine brought being single. My children and grandchildren ARE MY LIFE! You know how much you are loved by me. You were my firstborn grand, and just the beginning of SO much joy and happiness it's hard to put into words. That's why I like staying so close to you all. That's why I'm on Facebook. That's why I love this bigger house. I cherish the time I spend with each grandchild (or great)! I thrill at each accomplishment and cry with each problem. I didn't learn until I had grandchildren, how to be a good "mom". I was only a part-time mom, because I was forced to work to survive, and because I was selfish at times. I made MANY mistakes. I've tried to be different with my grandchildren than I was with my children. I'm very blessed that they are all as good as they are. SO blessed! Thanks for writing this, KC. Great depth, a beautiful story, and I agree 100% with everything. Love you SO much!! Gram
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